We all have insecurities or at least I believe we do. I know I have my share of them and when I was younger I used to let every little thing that anyone said about me bother me.
I think middle school; mainly 6th grade was the worst for me. My mother didn’t think I was responsible enough for contact lenses, I was short, and over weight (not that that’s changed) and kids were mean. It also didn’t help that we all were going through puberty. I know I had no control over my emotions and was a whiny little bitch about everything. This obviously made me a target.
I can’t even imagine what it must be like for kids today with cell phones, the internet, Facebook, and cyber bullying. I know that I thought about killing myself back then but instead I choose to compulsively lie and try to make my life outside of school sound amazing in hope that someone would think I was cool. I also had my sister who is only 14 months older than me around to stick up for me and let me hang out with her and her friends. Still, she couldn’t always protect me from the verbal abuse while I was in class and so I became one of the bullies that I hated and used my wit to more cleverly pick on those who targeted me and then join them and pick on other kids.
I could easily say that I did what I did in order to survive. If I didn’t redirect the name calling onto someone else I would have been picked to death, but to this day I still feel horrible about some of the stuff I said. I’m just glad that we all made it out alive and I apologize to anyone whose feelings I hurt.
As a man I like to believe that I’m no longer that little boy looking for someone else to point the finger at and start spouting insults. Sure if you attack me I’m probably going to attack you back but I’m not going to look for some innocent bystander to target.
It’s sad that some adults have not grown up and I still witness the occasional name calling. It especially pains me when it has to do with someone’s physical appearance. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t pick people apart in my head but I know better than to say it out loud. Making someone feel bad doesn’t make me feel any better about myself; it makes me feel like an asshole.