Chachalaka Will Pray For You

So, I work with this woman who I used to think was nice; that was until I actually worked in the same office as her. 

When I first started I just thought she was a sweet older lady who also happened to be a Jesus freak. I remember the first time she told me she would pray for me and I was like, “Oh… Ok… Thank you.” And then she actually started to talk to Jesus right there in front of me. I thought, “Is she for real?” And I tried my hardest to keep a straight face.

This became a regular occurrence until several people complained that she was making them feel uncomfortable. When confronted about it she claimed that these complainers had evil spirits inside of them and would go up to the people she assumed told on her and say that she forgave them. Ok, now I thought, “Someone has been drinking the holy water.” They’re not the one’s talking about religion in the work place and just because someone doesn’t see things your way doesn’t make them bad people or possessed.

I never complained and would let her do her thing because I thought it was entertaining and if anything it was definitely writing material; that was until she asked me to take her shift one day but I was unable to. The following day when talking to one of my other co-workers (the nicest woman on the planet who would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it) I joking mentioned that I couldn’t change shifts and said that she probably said I have an evil spirit in me too and my co-worker lost it and asked me how I knew. Come to find out she had told this co-worker that I had a demon inside me and that she shouldn’t talk to me any more. “Wow, what a bitch!” She was just jealous that this co-worker and I had become better friends with each other than with her.

I thought this was hilarious and I decided that for Halloween I was going to be the devil and made sure she knew about it and that everyone else knew that I had a demon inside of me. 

We eventually found out that she doesn’t even go to church. I swear she just tries to use the whole Jesus religion stuff to manipulate people to get what she wants. 

But why do we call her Chachalaka? You know it’s bad when the nicest woman on the planet is giving out insulting nicknames. Apparently there was some Spanish dude that ran for office or president of some country who complained a lot so they called him Chachalaka. I tried googling it but couldn’t find anything. I did find out that there is a Chachalaca bird that apparently has a really annoying squawk so I’m assuming that that’s where his nickname came from.

You’re probably saying, “I thought she was just a Jesus freak, you didn’t say anything about her complaining.” Oh I’m not done.

This woman complains about everything. She requests days off and then complains that she doesn’t get scheduled enough hours. She complains about the hours that she does work. She complains every time she gets a hang up call at work. I could go on forever.

She drives everyone that works in our department crazy. She is always making personal phone calls or her family is calling there. I don’t understand what these people don’t get about having to actually work while you’re at work. I understand making one every once in a while especially when it’s slow but this is an everyday thing at the busiest times and the number per day some times reaches double digits.

She’ll punch in at her scheduled time and then won’t show up in the office until like 15 minutes later because she got into a random conversation in the hallway with someone that probably doesn’t want to talk to her and then goes to the bathroom. When she gets into the office instead of logging onto the computer first thing because our computers later like 5-10mins to load she’ll do other random unnecessary shit and then log onto the computer so by the time she finally gets to work it’s like 20-30mins after her shift started and the rest of us are picking up her slack or completely by ourselves.

She’ll then ask to go to the bathroom again or take her 10 minute break. Really she doesn’t go to the bathroom or she does and then goes over to the kitchen and gets food and coffee and then stops and talks to someone who doesn’t want to listen to her again. Most times she will do this right after she was already on a personal phone call for more than 10 minutes. And then she’s gone for like another 20 minutes.

She has been with the company longer than me and still has no idea how to do her job. Her excuse is that she has a condition where she can’t remember new things. Um then you are incapable of doing this job and need to find a new one, or start writing shit down, or maybe consider retiring and move into a nursing home because I don’t get paid extra to baby-sit you.

Seriously, working with her is worse than working alone because I feel like I’m actually babysitting her. She asks me the dumbest things like the other day when she asked if our printer was still broken when it had a giant sign on it that said it was.

She has to busy her phone whenever she is doing more than one thing and our job demands us to multitask all day. Then when she is doing shit that she isn’t supposed to, like checking her email, she lets her phone ring and doesn’t answer it until she is finished doing her own personal shit. Half the time when she finally answers it the person has already hung up. Then when she gets up from her desk she always forgets to busy her phone and someone else has to get up and answer her phone and busy it for her.

She says stuff to the guests that she shouldn’t, like if something breaks she tells them that it happens all the time. Right before the presidential election I heard her telling a guest that she wasn’t voting for Obama because she doesn’t believe in killing babies. OK, you don’t talk about abortion in the work place or most places for that matter and you certainly don’t talk to a client about it.

She just tried to get me to talk about it the other day and I just ignored her and pretended like I didn’t hear her. (I do this a lot.) She was telling me that more of her dumb family members are having babies but then she read New York City’s abortion rate was in the thousands and it made her sad.

I swear her family has to be inbred because most of them are just as dumb as she is. One of her family members just died tragically young because of her own stupidity. I know I sound heartless but her dog also died and like five other people had to be taken to the hospital because of her.

I did eventually complain to my boss about her because I reached my breaking point. It’s not fair that we get paid the same and she does so much less than the rest of us. Of course she knew I did and told me that she forgave me and that she had actually gone to my boss and complained about me before. WHAT?

Apparently she over heard me joking to another co-worker, thought we were being serious and told on me. My boss never said anything to me because she knew it would piss me off and knew that the other guy and I were friends and we indeed just joking with each other.

Anyway, she told my boss that we all pick on her and that she knows none of us like her and played the victim. She complains that we all text, email, facebook etc while we’re at work but she doesn’t understand that we don’t let it effect our job performance. When our phones ring we answer them, she doesn’t.

She even made me question myself and I started to think, well maybe we are being a little hard on her. It was around Christmas time the other year and I was going home for the holidays and I decided that when I came back in the new year I was going to try to go a little easier on her. I think I lasted two days; the same amount of time that she lasts every time someone complains about her and my manager has a talk with her.


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