I haven’t had a nightmare since I was a kid. Not unless you count dreams where I was falling.

The last nightmare I can recall happened when I was in kindergarten, I think. I remember it like it was yesterday and I was running from a man in my elementary school who was chasing me with a pair of scissors. I remember hiding at the top of the monkey bars and watching as he killed kids below me until he looked up and saw me and started chasing me. It ended with him catching me and stabbing me in the chest with the scissors and my stomach gushing blood.

For years I have wished that I could have nightmares. Just the other week I was telling a coworker about my lack of nightmares and how I wished I could have them for writing material. Well, last night I finally had one and it’s funny because my coworker totally turned up to be in it.

It started out like a normal dream. I was at the movies with my coworker (Baby J) and J Lo (totally normal.) It was some fancy LA theater with assigned seating and we saw Jennifer Lawrence go into our theater with Lena Dunham and I was tweaking out. We got to our seats and I spent a good majority of the time searching the crowd trying to find Jennifer Lawrence but she was nowhere to be seen (not the nightmare part.)

The movie started and J Lo would not shut up. (If you know me and have been to the movies with me you’re probably thinking this is the nightmare part but it isn’t.) The person behind us was pissed and started telling her to be quiet and instead of agreeing with her I became an obnoxious moviegoer and told her that she needed to shut up and that we paid our money and that it was J Lo so she was allowed to talk.

J Lo ended up getting pissed off and they had to stop the movie because of a sound problem. I think that may have been why I was OK with J Lo talking because I figured they were going to restart it anyways. J Lo was pissed and decided that she was leaving. Baby J got up to try and convince her to stay and followed her out of the theater. I stayed and continued to search the crowd for Jennifer Lawrence and verbally fight with the girl behind us.

Then some other girl came and tried to take one of our seats. I said, “No! I paid for these seats and my friends might come back.” And then I laid across the seats. She told me that she originally paid for our seats but her friends canceled and that she still had the ticket for the one that was next to J Lo’s seat. She showed me the ticket and I moved and let my guard down.

I realized it was Chloe Grace Moretz and started having a normal conversation with her. Baby J came back and told me J Lo was not coming back. I told Chloe how I loved her in Kick Ass and how I wanted Baby J to dress up as Hit Girl for Halloween. I then finished her story for her about how she just got back from Korea and was on their SNL and how I just watched the clip on Youtube. She did the overreacting faces for us. (The clip is below.)

An usher came into the theater and we thought that he was going to restart the film but instead he informed us that a child was run over in the parking lot. We thought it was sad and thought they were going to restart the movie but instead they showed photos of the bloody crime scene in the parking garage and informed us to come forward with any information if we had it. Everyone thought this was the most fucked up thing, started to panic and left the theater.

When we got outside we ran into Chachalaka (still not the nightmare part) who was waiting for her husband. He showed up and shook my hand and I said it was nice to see him again. I had an internal monologue about what I should say to Chach because it was not nice to see her again and I think I said I’d see her around.

We walked to the car and realized that we parked near where they described the accident took place. I noticed the ground was wet. I said it looked dark red and gooey like blood. We thought we stumbled on the crime scene and started running to get out of there.

I ended up tripping on something and looked down and saw that it was a head. We all started to flip out and Baby J and Chloe tried to convince me to run and get in Baby J’s black SUV (she doesn’t have a black SUV in real life.) I froze for a second and then looked down and saw another head buried in some rocks. There was a payphone in between the two heads and I told Baby J we needed to call 911. Then one of the heads started talking and pleading with me to call 911. I asked him if he was fucking with me and he said no and brushed away some rubble and showed me that his head was barely connected to his body and that it couldn’t be a prank.

I dialed 911 and then Baby J and Chloe started to scream and I looked behind me and saw a figure holding an axe coming at me from the shadows. I dropped the phone and ran for the car and quickly got in. Baby J speed away and it started down pouring really hard and we couldn’t see out the windows. Then everything went dark and I woke up with my heart racing.

I looked at the clock and it was 2:59am. I was pissed to be awake that early but also really happy that I finally had a nightmare.




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