Category Archives: Fucked Up & Amazing

Nightmare

I haven’t had a nightmare since I was a kid. Not unless you count dreams where I was falling.

The last nightmare I can recall happened when I was in kindergarten, I think. I remember it like it was yesterday and I was running from a man in my elementary school who was chasing me with a pair of scissors. I remember hiding at the top of the monkey bars and watching as he killed kids below me until he looked up and saw me and started chasing me. It ended with him catching me and stabbing me in the chest with the scissors and my stomach gushing blood.

For years I have wished that I could have nightmares. Just the other week I was telling a coworker about my lack of nightmares and how I wished I could have them for writing material. Well, last night I finally had one and it’s funny because my coworker totally turned up to be in it.

It started out like a normal dream. I was at the movies with my coworker (Baby J) and J Lo (totally normal.) It was some fancy LA theater with assigned seating and we saw Jennifer Lawrence go into our theater with Lena Dunham and I was tweaking out. We got to our seats and I spent a good majority of the time searching the crowd trying to find Jennifer Lawrence but she was nowhere to be seen (not the nightmare part.)

The movie started and J Lo would not shut up. (If you know me and have been to the movies with me you’re probably thinking this is the nightmare part but it isn’t.) The person behind us was pissed and started telling her to be quiet and instead of agreeing with her I became an obnoxious moviegoer and told her that she needed to shut up and that we paid our money and that it was J Lo so she was allowed to talk.

J Lo ended up getting pissed off and they had to stop the movie because of a sound problem. I think that may have been why I was OK with J Lo talking because I figured they were going to restart it anyways. J Lo was pissed and decided that she was leaving. Baby J got up to try and convince her to stay and followed her out of the theater. I stayed and continued to search the crowd for Jennifer Lawrence and verbally fight with the girl behind us.

Then some other girl came and tried to take one of our seats. I said, “No! I paid for these seats and my friends might come back.” And then I laid across the seats. She told me that she originally paid for our seats but her friends canceled and that she still had the ticket for the one that was next to J Lo’s seat. She showed me the ticket and I moved and let my guard down.

I realized it was Chloe Grace Moretz and started having a normal conversation with her. Baby J came back and told me J Lo was not coming back. I told Chloe how I loved her in Kick Ass and how I wanted Baby J to dress up as Hit Girl for Halloween. I then finished her story for her about how she just got back from Korea and was on their SNL and how I just watched the clip on Youtube. She did the overreacting faces for us. (The clip is below.)

An usher came into the theater and we thought that he was going to restart the film but instead he informed us that a child was run over in the parking lot. We thought it was sad and thought they were going to restart the movie but instead they showed photos of the bloody crime scene in the parking garage and informed us to come forward with any information if we had it. Everyone thought this was the most fucked up thing, started to panic and left the theater.

When we got outside we ran into Chachalaka (still not the nightmare part) who was waiting for her husband. He showed up and shook my hand and I said it was nice to see him again. I had an internal monologue about what I should say to Chach because it was not nice to see her again and I think I said I’d see her around.

We walked to the car and realized that we parked near where they described the accident took place. I noticed the ground was wet. I said it looked dark red and gooey like blood. We thought we stumbled on the crime scene and started running to get out of there.

I ended up tripping on something and looked down and saw that it was a head. We all started to flip out and Baby J and Chloe tried to convince me to run and get in Baby J’s black SUV (she doesn’t have a black SUV in real life.) I froze for a second and then looked down and saw another head buried in some rocks. There was a payphone in between the two heads and I told Baby J we needed to call 911. Then one of the heads started talking and pleading with me to call 911. I asked him if he was fucking with me and he said no and brushed away some rubble and showed me that his head was barely connected to his body and that it couldn’t be a prank.

I dialed 911 and then Baby J and Chloe started to scream and I looked behind me and saw a figure holding an axe coming at me from the shadows. I dropped the phone and ran for the car and quickly got in. Baby J speed away and it started down pouring really hard and we couldn’t see out the windows. Then everything went dark and I woke up with my heart racing.

I looked at the clock and it was 2:59am. I was pissed to be awake that early but also really happy that I finally had a nightmare.

 

 

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Puzzle Pieces

I should have known that I would be hearing from people I went to high school with after Mike Mitchell died.

“Is this Teddy?”

“I go by Theo now.”

“I’m sorry, Theo. I don’t know if you remember me but this is Melanie Dobosh. We went to-”

“Franklin High together.”

“Yes, exactly.”

I never imagined that Melanie Dobosh would call me. I never imagined that she would call me ever. And now I’m on the phone with her. I thought I stopped caring about her but as soon as she said her name, I got tingles in the back of my neck and butterflies in my stomach.

“How … how are you?”

“I’m sure you heard Mike died?”

“I did. I’m sorry. Were you still together?”

“No. We broke up shortly after we graduated.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. And if we stayed together I would be a widow now.”

“Well, congrats on that.” Congrats on that? Teddy, you’re a fucking moron!

“Could you grab coffee or something this afternoon?”

“Yes! I mean, that would be great. I take my lunch at 1.”

“Great! Want to meet at Magic Beans?”

“I’ll see you there.”

“Great!”

“Great!”

“OK, I’m going to hang up now.”

“Great.”

That didn’t go too bad. You said great too many times like a fucking retard but she asked you to coffee. Why does she want to have coffee with me? It has to have something to do with Mike. But what?


I left for lunch early. I didn’t want Melanie to be waiting on me. It’s so weird, I’ve waited my whole life to have a date with her and I can’t bear to make her wait a few minutes. Maybe because I’m no prize. And that’s not what this is about. She wants something.

Shit! She’s here already. And she looks great. She probably smells great too. I probably smell like death.

“Theo!” She didn’t call me Teddy. She looks like she wants to hug me. She is indeed hugging me. And she does smell good. “It’s so great to see you. You look great. How are you?”

“Great!” Shit. Stop saying great you fucking moron. “How are you?”

“I’d be lying if I said great. I just moved back in with my parents. And I need to find a job. Something with health insurance. But enough about me. How are you, besides being great?”

That’s what she wants, she heard we’re hiring. “We actually have a position opening, Mrs. Morris is retiring. And we do offer health insurance.”

“Oh my God! Really? Wow, I didn’t realize she was still alive. What is she like 90 now?”

“93.”

“Think she’s old enough to retire?” She laughs with me at her own joke.

“She did once already but she got bored and came back. They fired the girl they hired to replace her so she could have her job back.”

“So there is no job security?”

“Oh no, she’s losing her shit now so they won’t be hiring her back.”

“Did you wanna get a drink?”

“I don’t drink coffee.”

“They have other stuff.”

“I’m fine.”

‘You still haven’t told me anything about you?”

“There’s nothing really to say. Eat, work, sleep, repeat.”

“Are you married?’

“Nope.”

“Got a girlfriend?”

“Nope. What about you?”

“Never been married and never had a girlfriend.”

“I figured you married with kids by now.”

“Funny you mention kids. That’s why I asked you here. I need your help with that.”

“You want to have my kids?” That’s not what she said, Teddy!

“No. Shit! I hope I’m not freaking you out?”

“No. I just don’t understand.”

“I want to have Mike’s kid.”

“Mike is dead.”

“Which is why we need to hurry. I read that his sperm is only good for like 36 hours.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“You’re looking at me like I’m crazy.”

“That’s because you just asked me to help you steal a dead guy’s sperm.”

“Mike and I should have been together and I ruined it. He broke up with me because I had an abortion. His abortion. This is my window to make it up to him.”

“This is crazy. You’re crazy and I’m crazy for thinking I ever had a chance with you.” I have to get the fuck out of here. Where’s the fucking door?

“Theo!” She chases me outside to my car. To the hearse I drove here. “Wait! I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“What difference does it make?”

She pulls on the handle on the back of the car but it doesn’t open. “Unlock this.”

I hit the button on my keys and the doors unlocks. She swings the door open and throws me in. She pulls the door closed and climbs on top of me. She unzips my pants and pulls out my dick and it’s already hard.

“Wow” She strokes it. “What do you want me to do with it?”

“I want you to kiss me.” Her lips touch mine and I freeze. I’m making out with Melanie Dobosh! I’m making out with Melanie Dobosh in my hearse. Two fantasies combined.

Her tongue tries to force its way into my mouth but I’m still frozen. “I thought you wanted this? I thought you wanted me?” She pulls my hair and when I gasp she slips her tongue into my mouth.

My body slowly melts and soon my tongue is playing with hers.

“You’re a good kisser.”

“Don’t talk.” That was rude. “Sorry, I just think I won’t last as long if you talk.”

“OK. But do you want to be on top or me?”

“Me … No you… No me. I mean, you. Yeah, you.” She rips her panties off and crawls onto my lap and I’m already about to blow.

She guides me inside her. Her hips move nice and slow because she can probably sense I’m about to lose it. I need to think of things I hate. Cats … Cilantro … Guys playing guitars at social gatherings … Old widows … Erect dead penises … Mike’s erect dead penis.

She’s riding me harder. You’re doing good, Teddy.

“Why won’t you look at me?” She grabs my face and stares into my eyes. “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”

Wow, she can really fake an orgasm.

I feel hot moisture on the tip of my dick. What the fuck? “Did I …”

“No, that was me. Pull out for a second.” I obey and her juices rush out of her.

Holy shit! … Holy shit! I just made Melanie Dobosh cum. Holy shit!

“Put it back in and keep looking at me.” I do as I’m told and she bites her lip as I lift my ass off the floor and thrust harder inside her.

It doesn’t take long until I feel it. A second or two of euphoria. And I collapse on the floor.

I don’t know how long I’m lying there panting like a fat fuck who ran a block before I realize she is lying on my chest, moving up and down with each attempt to catch my breath.

My hand makes its way to a curl in her hair. She is real. This is really happening. It did happen. And I just came inside her. “I’m sorry I didn’t um …”

“Pull out?”

“Yeah.”

“I came on you, it was only fair.”

She fucked you so now you have to do it. It’s too quiet. Just tell her that you’ll do it. You can’t do it! Can you?

“Do you know how he died?” She’s looking right into my eyes. I can’t help but laugh.

She sniffs. Fuck, she’s crying.

“I guess you have to laugh since you deal with death on a daily basis?”

“That and he died from a heart attack during, you know, after taking a performance enhancing substance.”

“Shut up!” She cracks a smile and we both laugh uncontrollably.

When we stop laughing she looks into my eyes and says, “I hope you don’t think I slept with you to get what I want.”

“No-“

“I did it because I wanted to. ‘Cause you’re the first person I felt a connection with in a long time. I don’t even know why … To be completely honest, I didn’t even know who you were until you walked into the coffee shop. And I’m pretty sure my parents threw away my yearbook. But I recognized you as soon as you walked in. I think it’s your eyes I remember.”

“I did stare at you a lot during high school.” And if she didn’t think you were creepy, she does now.

“Maybe that’s it. But that doesn’t explain why I feel connected to you and not to my own parents.”

“We all grieve differently.” I want to touch her but don’t want it to feel forced.

“Do you feel connected to me?”

“As soon as you said who you were on the phone, all these teenage emotions erupted inside me.”

“And I haven’t been fucked like that since … Well, since ever.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Say what?”

“You made me squirt. That usually only happens during my me time.”

I look at my watch to hopefully hide my bushing face. Fuck! “I really need to get back to work.”

“I’m sorry.” She reaches for the door handle.

I stuff myself back into my pants and pull my zipper up before we crawl out the door and back into the world.

“Can I ask you one more thing before you go?” God this girl loves making eye contact.

“I don’t see any harm in that.”

“Do you want kids?”

“I do … I mean, I did … I kinda gave up on the whole happily ever after.”

“I was prepared to do this alone. Like the whole thing but then that fucking phony Penny Palamino told me that you worked at the funeral home. And now that we’re reacquainted, I’m seriously rethinking the whole thing.”

“Really?”  I changed her mind.

“I thought that you could just help me get the sperm and maybe I’d toss you some cash but now I’m thinking it could be that and more. That I don’t have to do this alone. Like the whole thing … Do you get what I’m saying?”

“Did you just ask me to marry you?”

“I guess I did.”

I don’t know what to say or how long this awkward silence is really lasting. Five hours ago I was boring me who was prepared to die alone and now my first boner inducing crush just asked me to become her sperm smuggling husband.

“I’m sorry, it’s too much again, isn’t it?”

“No.”

“Is that a yes?”

Just say yes. Just fucking do it! “I don’t know.” You stupid son of a bitch! “You don’t even know me.”

“I know you just made me come harder than I’ve ever come before. I know that you have feelings for me. I know that you’ve made me feel like I’m not alone in this world.”

“What if I don’t get you the sperm?”

“I’ll be disappointed.”

“But?”

“But that doesn’t change that we have chemistry. That this morning I thought that my soul mate died … That I felt like a puzzle piece … One with a hole in it. And I thought that no one would ever fit into that hole. That maybe I was just a boring one piece puzzle. And then I remembered that baby that tried to fit into that hole but I wouldn’t let it. So I thought I could try and do it again. Me and a baby didn’t fit together then but maybe we will now …  And now I feel like maybe I have two holes in me and you fit in the other one. Maybe we’re a three piece puzzle … Or four or five.”

I hug her and I feel truly connected. It doesn’t feel forced like the hugs and touches I have to give people at work. We breathe in sync. We are crying together but only on the inside. No tears leak from our eyes. We found each other.

She eventually lets me go. “I know I’m asking a lot.” She stares into my eyes again. “Just think about it.” She leans in and kisses me and it feels so good that I decide that I’m going to do it. I’ll jerk him off with my own hand if it makes her happy.


As I drive towards the funeral home my moral compass fades back. Can I really do this? Should I do this? No one ever has to know. I’ll know.


I get back to work and Mike is there waiting for me, with his dead erection taunting me. There’s no chance that she’ll even get pregnant if I do it. She could already be pregnant with my kid. She could have already fucked up her chances. Literally. I should just give her my sperm. That’s it! She already has my sperm inside her.

I unzip my pants. She’ll never know … But I’ll know.

That Time I Live Tweeted The Movie Horns To Baby J (Spoiler Alert)

So my coworker Baby J and I are both total Harry Potter nerds as well other stuff nerds and we’ve been waiting for Joe Hill’s Horn’s to come out even though she hates snakes and the trailer shows a lot of them.

Well, the other day Joe Hill tweeted that Horns was being released on VOD before it was going to be in theaters so of course I told Baby J and planned on going right home after work and ordering it even though I’ve been exhausted from working 6 day weeks.

I told Baby J that I would let her know how snake-filled the movie is and below are the texts that we shared while I watched.

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So,  funny story: Our coworker Roxy heard us talking and thought I said I was going home to watch “Porn.” To which Baby J replied, “Do you have to pay for it?” Which really made it sound even more like I was going home to watch porn and Baby J was excited about that.

I also passed out around the hour mark, not from boredom but from exhaustion.

I saw Baby J at work the next day and she encouraged me to continue with the texting so I did.

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That was supposed to say, “Shit is getting weird” I Blame autocorrect!

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Top 20 Films

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Cheap Frames and Magnetic Poetry

Awhile back Momma Webb gave me some cheap magnetic frames that she got from some form of dollar store that aren’t even strong enough to hold pictures in them. I almost threw them away but something made me hold on to them.

This past weekend while brunching with some of the most awesome people I know I was given some Erotic Magnetic Poetry because I’m “the only one who will appreciate it.”

Tonight while I was attempting to clean my apartment I found the frames and was so inspired that I have procrastinated cleaning my apartment once more.

This first one would be an awesome band name.

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Can’t take credit for the next one because the words came stuck next to one another.

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And I thought I sucked at poetry!

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Maybe I should rotate the frame on this one?

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These were also already stuck together. As were rim and job. Coincidence?

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Next one was inspired by the TV show Six Feet Under.

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Another great band name? Can you tell I really hate cleaning?

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That’s it, adding poet to my resume.

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Movie Review: Man of Steel

It was just OK. The main issue I had with it was the pacing. It’s two hours and twenty-three minutes and it felt it. In my opinion they could have left out a lot. I feel the same way about Jor-El putting Kal-El in the spaceship and sending him to earth while Krypton explodes as I do with Uncle Ben getting killed in the Spiderman movies; we’ve seen it too many times. Sure the planet exploding looked really cool but the whole 20 minutes before it was unnecessary. We know the baby gets sent off in the ship or there would be no rest of the movie. If you want to make a movie about Krypton make a prequel and make it original, don’t steal The Matrix’s whole baby pods thing. And the whole Jor-El rides a dragon-like-creature was a little over the top. There were also way too many Clark risked being found out by saving someone from dying flashbacks. We get it, he’s an exhibitionist and can’t help saving people while others watch! The ending was also dragged out and could have been cut drastically. It felt a little Godzilla or even Power Rangery with characters just tossing each other around and destroying the scenery. I really did like Cavill and Adams in the lead roles and they did a great job with the material that they were given, which could have been better. And my Lois Lane would never say, “tinkle.”

That Time When My Father Thought My Mother Poisoned Him

Let me start off by saying that I love my parents. That being said they do have their flaws. Momma Webb acts a little crazy sometimes and Poppa Webb goes from happy to rage in 6 seconds. Because of this I have nicknamed them Crazy and Angry and call them the 8th and 9th dwarfs. Poppa Webb finds it humorous, Momma Webb not so much.

Momma Webb used to cook when we were younger but once us kids grew up and got lives and Poppa Webb started working nights meals were normally bought or nuked in the microwave. We also started calling her the Microwave Queen. ( I don’t see myself getting a “World’s Greatest Son” mug anytime soon.)

Anyway, out of the kindness of her heart and as an attempt to get my father to eat a little healthier she started making and packing him a lunch.

Not very long after this started my father came home angry and asked my mother what she put in the sandwich she made him. She said it was just chicken salad.

“How old was the mayo?”

“I just bought it.”

“Did you put it in the fridge after you opened it?!”

“It was brand new. I just opened it!”

“It made me sick. I’ve never had to shit so bad in my life!”

“What else did you eat?”

“Nothing, that’s all I ate.”

“Maybe it was just bad.”

“I did have some candy.”

“What candy?”

“Just some candy Julie (my sister) bought me.”

“Was it sugar free?”

“It didn’t taste like it.”

“How much of it did you eat?”

“The whole bag.”

Not too long before this I had warned them of a similar situation I had. Those of you that follow me on Twitter (@RobbWebb3) may know that I have a coworker with diabetes that I now call Sugar Slut or Chang Chang Sugar Slut. I bought her a bag of sugar free Lifesavers to attempt to get her to cut down on her ridiculously high sugar intake. She insisted on sharing them with me and they taste exactly like the ones with sugar.

The next time I was at the store I decided that I was going to be good and bought myself a bag of these semi-better-for-you treats. And since I am my father’s son and have my fatkid inside me I ate most of the bag. I had some self-control and didn’t finish it but I had enough.

Enough that I felt a rumbling in my stomach and knew that if I didn’t get to a toilet fast I was going to literally shit my pants.

Apparently most sugar free candy has an itty bitty warning on them that if eaten like fucking candy (What else would you eat it like?) if may have a laxative effect or make you shit your fucking pants if you aren’t in the vicinity of a toilet.

Needless to say I got a phone call from Momma Webb where she laughed like a crazy person about how my father thought she was trying to kill him because he didn’t listen to my story and ate a whole bag of sugar free candy my sister got him.