We all have insecurities or at least I believe we do. I know I have my share of them and when I was younger I used to let every little thing that anyone said about me bother me.
I think middle school; mainly 6th grade was the worst for me. My mother didn’t think I was responsible enough for contact lenses, I was short, and over weight (not that that’s changed) and kids were mean. It also didn’t help that we all were going through puberty. I know I had no control over my emotions and was a whiny little bitch about everything. This obviously made me a target.
I can’t even imagine what it must be like for kids today with cell phones, the internet, Facebook, and cyber bullying. I know that I thought about killing myself back then but instead I choose to compulsively lie and try to make my life outside of school sound amazing in hope that someone would think I was cool. I also had my sister who is only 14 months older than me around to stick up for me and let me hang out with her and her friends. Still, she couldn’t always protect me from the verbal abuse while I was in class and so I became one of the bullies that I hated and used my wit to more cleverly pick on those who targeted me and then join them and pick on other kids.
I could easily say that I did what I did in order to survive. If I didn’t redirect the name calling onto someone else I would have been picked to death, but to this day I still feel horrible about some of the stuff I said. I’m just glad that we all made it out alive and I apologize to anyone whose feelings I hurt.
As a man I like to believe that I’m no longer that little boy looking for someone else to point the finger at and start spouting insults. Sure if you attack me I’m probably going to attack you back but I’m not going to look for some innocent bystander to target.
It’s sad that some adults have not grown up and I still witness the occasional name calling. It especially pains me when it has to do with someone’s physical appearance. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t pick people apart in my head but I know better than to say it out loud. Making someone feel bad doesn’t make me feel any better about myself; it makes me feel like an asshole.
I didn’t give up already. The Gods are just against my blog, I guess. Basically my computer had a breakdown for like the 300th time in less than 3 years. I blame Bill Gates and Windows Vista. Seriously, I’ve had to reinstall Vista 4 times in less than 3 years. You would think that a man with all that money would feel some sort of compassion for all the working class families, starving artists, students and anyone else that spent their hard earned money or used their credit to buy computers with his crashing software. I think that anyone who bought a computer with Vista should have been given a complimentary upgrade to Windows 7, but instead I had to spend more money that I didn’t have on an upgrade pack (plus a new hard drive so I wouldn’t wipe my files). I honesty should have just spent the $80 more and bought a complete Windows 7 kit because it took me a whole day just to get the upgrade to work because I had to install Vista again and it was surprisingly being a bitch and not taking the upgrade pack which I needed to install before it would even let me install the Windows 7 upgrade. Anywho, I’m back and plan to update as often as I can unless Bill Gates reads this and decides to have his goons spew more herpes into my computer or crash my site. Ok, back to reinstalling all my music and video files. Kill me now, please!
This past week I was called a homophobe. Not to my face but behind my back. A gay writer who was in my writer’s group (really he only came when he needed something of his read) recently wrote a script which included a gay character but I was unable to attend the meeting because the writer sent the script out the day before the group meets and I didn’t have a chance to read it, so there was no point in me attending. I sent an e-mail to the entire group explaining this but said writer took it upon himself to call myself and another male writer in the group homophobes. I wasn’t really offended, actually thought it was kind of funny and joking posted about it on my Twitter and Facebook. I also jokingly posted a Louis C.K. clip from Shameless where he jokes about gay marriage.
Said writer saw the posting and instead of commenting on it or explaining that he was joking he deleted me as his friend. I’m sorry but I think this is the most childish response and it’s the second time that someone I’ve had beef with has done this. What ever happened to talking things out?
Naturally I posted “Said writer has deleted me on facebook. Tear! Does that mean he’s a straightaphobe or just doesn’t like being called out on his B.S.?!”
I also think think that said writer went to the group leader because I received an e-mail asking me if I apologized. Are you kidding? If I thought that I had done something wrong I would have no problem apologizing, but he was the one who started the name calling and I was just defending myself. He even posted a comment on a mutual friends facebook where she jokingly called someone a bastard that there was “No need for name calling.” I so badly wanted to write that he should take his own advice but I was the bigger person and refuse to start shit on some innocent baystander’s page.
This writer also gave me shit for using the word fag several times in one of my scripts. I have no problem using this word or any of its variations because I try not to let words upset me anymore especially this one which I have been called since childhood.
I myself am not gay contrast to popular opinion. I did however grow up with two older sisters who I used to want to be when I was younger, a father who worked very hard to provide for us and wasn’t always around, in a neighborhood that didn’t have any other boys my age living in it and I wasn’t allowed to have friends over my house or go over their’s. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I grew up around females so I didn’t play sports when I was younger, I used to play Barbies with my sisters, I developed a sense of rythem from going to their dance and cheerleading competions over the years, I myself tried out to be a cheerleader in high school and was ridaculed for it. None of these things make me gay or a fag or any less of a man; if anything I think they make me more of one for being able to admit that I did them and not being ashamed of any of it.
I have no problem with gay people, have several gay friends, and a few gay relatives. Sure I will make the ocassional gay joke if there is an overtly gay male (wearing a half cut shirt and heels in my hotel lobby) or two men that happen to be on a “Man Date” but I never said I was perfect and neither is the world that we live in.