Let me start off by saying that I love my parents. That being said they do have their flaws. Momma Webb acts a little crazy sometimes and Poppa Webb goes from happy to rage in 6 seconds. Because of this I have nicknamed them Crazy and Angry and call them the 8th and 9th dwarfs. Poppa Webb finds it humorous, Momma Webb not so much.
Momma Webb used to cook when we were younger but once us kids grew up and got lives and Poppa Webb started working nights meals were normally bought or nuked in the microwave. We also started calling her the Microwave Queen. ( I don’t see myself getting a “World’s Greatest Son” mug anytime soon.)
Anyway, out of the kindness of her heart and as an attempt to get my father to eat a little healthier she started making and packing him a lunch.
Not very long after this started my father came home angry and asked my mother what she put in the sandwich she made him. She said it was just chicken salad.
“How old was the mayo?”
“I just bought it.”
“Did you put it in the fridge after you opened it?!”
“It was brand new. I just opened it!”
“It made me sick. I’ve never had to shit so bad in my life!”
“What else did you eat?”
“Nothing, that’s all I ate.”
“Maybe it was just bad.”
“I did have some candy.”
“Just some candy Julie (my sister) bought me.”
“Was it sugar free?”
“It didn’t taste like it.”
“How much of it did you eat?”
“The whole bag.”
Not too long before this I had warned them of a similar situation I had. Those of you that follow me on Twitter (@RobbWebb3) may know that I have a coworker with diabetes that I now call Sugar Slut or Chang Chang Sugar Slut. I bought her a bag of sugar free Lifesavers to attempt to get her to cut down on her ridiculously high sugar intake. She insisted on sharing them with me and they taste exactly like the ones with sugar.
The next time I was at the store I decided that I was going to be good and bought myself a bag of these semi-better-for-you treats. And since I am my father’s son and have my fatkid inside me I ate most of the bag. I had some self-control and didn’t finish it but I had enough.
Enough that I felt a rumbling in my stomach and knew that if I didn’t get to a toilet fast I was going to literally shit my pants.
Apparently most sugar free candy has an itty bitty warning on them that if eaten like fucking candy (What else would you eat it like?) if may have a laxative effect or make you shit your fucking pants if you aren’t in the vicinity of a toilet.
Needless to say I got a phone call from Momma Webb where she laughed like a crazy person about how my father thought she was trying to kill him because he didn’t listen to my story and ate a whole bag of sugar free candy my sister got him.