I should have known that I would be hearing from people I went to high school with after Mike Mitchell died.
“Is this Teddy?”
“I go by Theo now.”
“I’m sorry, Theo. I don’t know if you remember me but this is Melanie Dobosh. We went to-”
“Franklin High together.”
I never imagined that Melanie Dobosh would call me. I never imagined that she would call me ever. And now I’m on the phone with her. I thought I stopped caring about her but as soon as she said her name, I got tingles in the back of my neck and butterflies in my stomach.
“How … how are you?”
“I’m sure you heard Mike died?”
“I did. I’m sorry. Were you still together?”
“No. We broke up shortly after we graduated.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. And if we stayed together I would be a widow now.”
“Well, congrats on that.” Congrats on that? Teddy, you’re a fucking moron!
“Could you grab coffee or something this afternoon?”
“Yes! I mean, that would be great. I take my lunch at 1.”
“Great! Want to meet at Magic Beans?”
“I’ll see you there.”
“OK, I’m going to hang up now.”
That didn’t go too bad. You said great too many times like a fucking retard but she asked you to coffee. Why does she want to have coffee with me? It has to have something to do with Mike. But what?
I left for lunch early. I didn’t want Melanie to be waiting on me. It’s so weird, I’ve waited my whole life to have a date with her and I can’t bear to make her wait a few minutes. Maybe because I’m no prize. And that’s not what this is about. She wants something.
Shit! She’s here already. And she looks great. She probably smells great too. I probably smell like death.
“Theo!” She didn’t call me Teddy. She looks like she wants to hug me. She is indeed hugging me. And she does smell good. “It’s so great to see you. You look great. How are you?”
“Great!” Shit. Stop saying great you fucking moron. “How are you?”
“I’d be lying if I said great. I just moved back in with my parents. And I need to find a job. Something with health insurance. But enough about me. How are you, besides being great?”
That’s what she wants, she heard we’re hiring. “We actually have a position opening, Mrs. Morris is retiring. And we do offer health insurance.”
“Oh my God! Really? Wow, I didn’t realize she was still alive. What is she like 90 now?”
“Think she’s old enough to retire?” She laughs with me at her own joke.
“She did once already but she got bored and came back. They fired the girl they hired to replace her so she could have her job back.”
“So there is no job security?”
“Oh no, she’s losing her shit now so they won’t be hiring her back.”
“Did you wanna get a drink?”
“I don’t drink coffee.”
“They have other stuff.”
‘You still haven’t told me anything about you?”
“There’s nothing really to say. Eat, work, sleep, repeat.”
“Are you married?’
“Got a girlfriend?”
“Nope. What about you?”
“Never been married and never had a girlfriend.”
“I figured you married with kids by now.”
“Funny you mention kids. That’s why I asked you here. I need your help with that.”
“You want to have my kids?” That’s not what she said, Teddy!
“No. Shit! I hope I’m not freaking you out?”
“No. I just don’t understand.”
“I want to have Mike’s kid.”
“Mike is dead.”
“Which is why we need to hurry. I read that his sperm is only good for like 36 hours.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“You’re looking at me like I’m crazy.”
“That’s because you just asked me to help you steal a dead guy’s sperm.”
“Mike and I should have been together and I ruined it. He broke up with me because I had an abortion. His abortion. This is my window to make it up to him.”
“This is crazy. You’re crazy and I’m crazy for thinking I ever had a chance with you.” I have to get the fuck out of here. Where’s the fucking door?
“Theo!” She chases me outside to my car. To the hearse I drove here. “Wait! I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“What difference does it make?”
She pulls on the handle on the back of the car but it doesn’t open. “Unlock this.”
I hit the button on my keys and the doors unlocks. She swings the door open and throws me in. She pulls the door closed and climbs on top of me. She unzips my pants and pulls out my dick and it’s already hard.
“Wow” She strokes it. “What do you want me to do with it?”
“I want you to kiss me.” Her lips touch mine and I freeze. I’m making out with Melanie Dobosh! I’m making out with Melanie Dobosh in my hearse. Two fantasies combined.
Her tongue tries to force its way into my mouth but I’m still frozen. “I thought you wanted this? I thought you wanted me?” She pulls my hair and when I gasp she slips her tongue into my mouth.
My body slowly melts and soon my tongue is playing with hers.
“You’re a good kisser.”
“Don’t talk.” That was rude. “Sorry, I just think I won’t last as long if you talk.”
“OK. But do you want to be on top or me?”
“Me … No you… No me. I mean, you. Yeah, you.” She rips her panties off and crawls onto my lap and I’m already about to blow.
She guides me inside her. Her hips move nice and slow because she can probably sense I’m about to lose it. I need to think of things I hate. Cats … Cilantro … Guys playing guitars at social gatherings … Old widows … Erect dead penises … Mike’s erect dead penis.
She’s riding me harder. You’re doing good, Teddy.
“Why won’t you look at me?” She grabs my face and stares into my eyes. “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”
Wow, she can really fake an orgasm.
I feel hot moisture on the tip of my dick. What the fuck? “Did I …”
“No, that was me. Pull out for a second.” I obey and her juices rush out of her.
Holy shit! … Holy shit! I just made Melanie Dobosh cum. Holy shit!
“Put it back in and keep looking at me.” I do as I’m told and she bites her lip as I lift my ass off the floor and thrust harder inside her.
It doesn’t take long until I feel it. A second or two of euphoria. And I collapse on the floor.
I don’t know how long I’m lying there panting like a fat fuck who ran a block before I realize she is lying on my chest, moving up and down with each attempt to catch my breath.
My hand makes its way to a curl in her hair. She is real. This is really happening. It did happen. And I just came inside her. “I’m sorry I didn’t um …”
“I came on you, it was only fair.”
She fucked you so now you have to do it. It’s too quiet. Just tell her that you’ll do it. You can’t do it! Can you?
“Do you know how he died?” She’s looking right into my eyes. I can’t help but laugh.
She sniffs. Fuck, she’s crying.
“I guess you have to laugh since you deal with death on a daily basis?”
“That and he died from a heart attack during, you know, after taking a performance enhancing substance.”
“Shut up!” She cracks a smile and we both laugh uncontrollably.
When we stop laughing she looks into my eyes and says, “I hope you don’t think I slept with you to get what I want.”
“I did it because I wanted to. ‘Cause you’re the first person I felt a connection with in a long time. I don’t even know why … To be completely honest, I didn’t even know who you were until you walked into the coffee shop. And I’m pretty sure my parents threw away my yearbook. But I recognized you as soon as you walked in. I think it’s your eyes I remember.”
“I did stare at you a lot during high school.” And if she didn’t think you were creepy, she does now.
“Maybe that’s it. But that doesn’t explain why I feel connected to you and not to my own parents.”
“We all grieve differently.” I want to touch her but don’t want it to feel forced.
“Do you feel connected to me?”
“As soon as you said who you were on the phone, all these teenage emotions erupted inside me.”
“And I haven’t been fucked like that since … Well, since ever.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Don’t make me say it.”
“You made me squirt. That usually only happens during my me time.”
I look at my watch to hopefully hide my bushing face. Fuck! “I really need to get back to work.”
“I’m sorry.” She reaches for the door handle.
I stuff myself back into my pants and pull my zipper up before we crawl out the door and back into the world.
“Can I ask you one more thing before you go?” God this girl loves making eye contact.
“I don’t see any harm in that.”
“Do you want kids?”
“I do … I mean, I did … I kinda gave up on the whole happily ever after.”
“I was prepared to do this alone. Like the whole thing but then that fucking phony Penny Palamino told me that you worked at the funeral home. And now that we’re reacquainted, I’m seriously rethinking the whole thing.”
“Really?” I changed her mind.
“I thought that you could just help me get the sperm and maybe I’d toss you some cash but now I’m thinking it could be that and more. That I don’t have to do this alone. Like the whole thing … Do you get what I’m saying?”
“Did you just ask me to marry you?”
“I guess I did.”
I don’t know what to say or how long this awkward silence is really lasting. Five hours ago I was boring me who was prepared to die alone and now my first boner inducing crush just asked me to become her sperm smuggling husband.
“I’m sorry, it’s too much again, isn’t it?”
“Is that a yes?”
Just say yes. Just fucking do it! “I don’t know.” You stupid son of a bitch! “You don’t even know me.”
“I know you just made me come harder than I’ve ever come before. I know that you have feelings for me. I know that you’ve made me feel like I’m not alone in this world.”
“What if I don’t get you the sperm?”
“I’ll be disappointed.”
“But that doesn’t change that we have chemistry. That this morning I thought that my soul mate died … That I felt like a puzzle piece … One with a hole in it. And I thought that no one would ever fit into that hole. That maybe I was just a boring one piece puzzle. And then I remembered that baby that tried to fit into that hole but I wouldn’t let it. So I thought I could try and do it again. Me and a baby didn’t fit together then but maybe we will now … And now I feel like maybe I have two holes in me and you fit in the other one. Maybe we’re a three piece puzzle … Or four or five.”
I hug her and I feel truly connected. It doesn’t feel forced like the hugs and touches I have to give people at work. We breathe in sync. We are crying together but only on the inside. No tears leak from our eyes. We found each other.
She eventually lets me go. “I know I’m asking a lot.” She stares into my eyes again. “Just think about it.” She leans in and kisses me and it feels so good that I decide that I’m going to do it. I’ll jerk him off with my own hand if it makes her happy.
As I drive towards the funeral home my moral compass fades back. Can I really do this? Should I do this? No one ever has to know. I’ll know.
I get back to work and Mike is there waiting for me, with his dead erection taunting me. There’s no chance that she’ll even get pregnant if I do it. She could already be pregnant with my kid. She could have already fucked up her chances. Literally. I should just give her my sperm. That’s it! She already has my sperm inside her.
I unzip my pants. She’ll never know … But I’ll know.